It Hurts Me More

If you stopped by because you read my devotion June 6th over at Encouragement Cafe, WELCOME!   So glad you are here!

“Blessed is the one you discipline, LORD, the one you teach from your law.”Psalm 94-12 (NIV) (2)

Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.  Hebrews 12: 9-10 (NIV)

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.”

Have you ever heard that?  I can’t really say that my parents said that to me, (I was the good kid), but I have heard others speak of their parents saying that to them.

I didn’t understand that saying until I had children of my own.  When our babies are born, they are perfect.  Every little smile, every “coo” is deeply embedded in our hearts.  But then they start growing.  Even very young toddlers have to be disciplined.  Some children learn quickly to listen to what they are told, but others seem to push the limits.  Even after being told not to do something, they will look at the one disciplining them in the eye while reaching their hand out toward the forbidden object.

When I had to discipline my children by spanking them or setting them in time out, it did hurt my heart.  I knew they needed to be corrected but the deep sadness they experienced made me want to cry along with them.

When I was very young, I would sometimes fail to be still and quiet in church.  Once home, my dad would talk to me first.  He would point his finger at me as he talked.  I remember thinking that his finger had to be 3 feet long as it was pointed right at my face.  Then I got spanked.  I always thought the “talking to” was a lot worse than the spanking.  I don’t remember that happening too often.  (Like I said, I was the good kid.)

As Christians we learn that it takes discipline to keep a regular time of Bible study and prayer.  It takes discipline to walk a consistent life of obedience.  But discipline can also be God correcting us.  He talks to us first.

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.”  2 Timothy 3:16 (NIV)

Sometimes that discipline is painful.  We can experience pain and guilt when we are disobedient and commit sin.  We can suffer consequences that may be temporary or that will stay with us for the rest of our lives.  We can feel abandoned by God.  But God doesn’t want us to stay that way.

“Because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.”  Proverbs 3:12 (NIV)

That discipline may include striping us of things that caused us to fall away from God.  It often involves us losing the peace and joy we can feel when we are in a right relationship with our Savior.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 (NIV) 

The discipline we receive should cause us to turn back to the loving, forgiving arms of Christ.  I’ve noticed that about disciplining children.  When the time of discipline is over, they want to be held.  They want to be loved.  When I had to correct my girls or grandchildren, I couldn’t wait to hold them in my arms.  Our Heavenly Father is the same.  He corrects us because He loves us.  But He also can’t wait to have a close fellowship with us once more.  If we could ask Him how it makes Him feel to discipline us, I think He would say:

“It hurt Me a lot more than it hurts you.”

And Jesus has the scars to prove it.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for loving us so much that You will discipline us when we are disobedient to Your will.  When the time of reproof and correction is hurtful, let me remember that Your heart hurts too.  Help me to be quick to repent so that I can be in sweet fellowship with You once more.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Dad’s Journey – Part 3

From The Mountaintop To The Valley and Back Again

I will lift up my eyes Psalm 121-1-2 (NKJV)

Dad had his second chemo treatment on Wednesday, May 3rd while in the hospital.  He returned home from his 3rd stay in the hospital on Saturday, May 6th.  Sunday morning he was weak and a little nauseated.  But Monday morning he was feeling some better.  The therapist came and worked with him.  The week was full of doctor appointments.  He went every day to receive the shots that would help keep his white blood cells up.

His 76th birthday was on May 9th.  As he walked into the cancer center on that day, his age was already changed on his paperwork and the nurses wished him a happy birthday.  Everyone there has been so good to him and the nurses have made over him every time he has gone.

Dad asked for my daughter Christy to bring her three kids to come see him that week.  Visitors have been limited because of the risk of him catching something.  But he felt stronger and thought it would be a good time to see them since he was over the second treatment and was a week away from the third.  Hudson, the 5 year old, and Hadley, the 3 year old, had picked out gifts (toys) they wanted their Papa to have, including some bubbles.  Christy got him a Superman t-shirt, telling him that he was her Superman.

The kids really enjoyed their visit as much as Dad enjoyed seeing them.

Going into the week of his 3rd treatment, he had a mixture of days when he felt pretty good and others when he was weak.  He was eating well and was able to move around outside a little.  The treatment was given at the Levine Cancer Center on Wednesday, May 17th.  His appointment was at 8:30.  They began with a bag of fluids and nausea medication before administering the chemo.  The treatment was over at noon.

The day after chemo, he went to get a Neulasta shot.  This shot would take the place of the shots he had been having to go take daily.  But it also would cause more weakness and aches and pains.

Dad has always been a man that couldn’t stay inside for long.  He would go outside and piddle around all the time.  Being confined to the house, having to rely on others and feeling so bad gets him very discouraged.

One day when he was feeling especially weak and tired, his cousin Jerry Harrison came to visit. Jerry’s wife has been through cancer treatments and Jerry had an understanding of what Dad was going through.  He talked with Dad, prayed with him and was just what Dad needed that day.  A short time after Jerry’s visit, Preacher Toney Parsons came to visit.  He also encouraged Dad.  We firmly believe that little things like that which have been happening all along is God assuring Dad of His love and control over everything Dad is going through.

My sister-in-law had posted on her Facebook page several weeks back asking her friends to send him cards.  He has received cards from all over.  The posts I have written have been read by many people, who have responded that they are praying for him.  All of the cards and prayers have meant a lot to him.  We keep trying to encourage him by telling him that he is affecting a lot of people’s lives.  There’s no answer to why he is having to endure this sickness, but hopefully it will help someone to draw closer to God.

He continued to feel weak the following days.  My daughter Martha had a problem with the pump on her septic tank on Thursday night, May 18th.  She called Dad Friday morning to see if he knew who she might could call to come look at it.  Dad made several phone calls that morning, seeming to enjoy feeling needed.

One day he heard a commercial on TV and “Happy Hour” was mentioned.  He asked mom what Happy Hour was.  She told him it was a period of time when drinking was encouraged.  He said he was having Happy Hour all the time because Mom was pushing him to drink a lot of fluids.

He began to feel better the weekend before his 4th treatment.  He felt well enough to walk around outside.  Being able to get out encouraged him.  He was released from the physical therapist on May 29th.  Mom took him to the drive-thru at Wendy’s to get a frosty to celebrate.

The fourth treatment was Wednesday, May 31st.  Dad wore his superman shirt that Christy had given him.  When he put the shirt on, my Mom told him he looked cute.  He wondered that maybe he shouldn’t wear it to the cancer center since the nurses already made over him enough.

Superman 2

While he was sitting taking the treatment, in walks Preacher Joe Smith.  Joe had been at the hospital visiting and said he felt God impress on him that he needed to go to the cancer center, even though he would not normally go there.  He walked straight over to Dad and talked a few minutes.  He prayed together with Mom and Dad and then left.  One more instance of God putting people in Dad’s path to offer him encouragement had occurred.

He did really well with the treatment.  He went to get the Neulasta shot the next day.  On Friday he began to feel weak.  He has felt a little weaker each day but is hoping the cycle will continue so that he can feel stronger again before the next treatment.

He was released from the home health nurse on June 7th.  Since that was one of his weak days, instead of going to Wendy’s for a frosty, he and mom settled for a bowl of ice cream at home.

Dad has had his good days and bad days.  On the good, it’s almost like a victory has been won.  The days are enjoyed as much as possible.  But the bad days are long.  They are discouraging and hard.  It’s like going from mountaintop to the valley and back again, and again.  He’ll feel good for the week before and during a treatment and then bad for a week afterwards.

In our lives, we all have mountaintop moments.  And we all have valleys to go through.  Watching Dad going through the last couple months, it’s like seeing a condensed version of what our whole lives are like.  The ups and downs.

I have always enjoyed the stories in the Old Testament of the Bible.  One story in particular I have always liked is in Exodus 17.

“Now Amalek came and fought with Israel in Rephidim.  And Moses said to Joshua, “Choose us some men and go out, fight with Amalek. Tomorrow I will stand on the top of the hill with the rod of God in my hand.”  So Joshua did as Moses said to him, and fought with Amalek. And Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the top of the hill.  And so it was, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed; and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed.  But Moses’ hands became heavy; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. And Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.  So Joshua defeated Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.”   Exodus 17:8-13 (NKJV)

There’s a couple of things that I find encouraging in this passage.  Notice in verse 9.  Moses tells Joshua to choose some men to fight.  Now these men would have been strong men, men who could fight well.  It’s in our nature, at least in mine, to question why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  But why shouldn’t He.  God sometimes chooses strong people that are capable of obeying and honoring God to fight the battles of life.  Through the humbling of themselves, through showing that their strength is not in themselves but in God alone, then God can receive all the glory when the battle has been won.

In the following verses, Moses stands on the hill with the rod of God.  When the rod is raised, they were winning.  When the rod was lowered, they were being beaten back.  As the men were fighting, they could look up to the hill and see Moses.  When they saw the rod, the same rod that had been used in all of the miracles that God had performed, the men could be reminded that the presence and power of God was with them, even in the midst of the battle.  When we are in the middle of our battle, even when we are in the valley, we can look back to the times we were on our mountaintops and know, that the same God that was blessing us so much in the good times, is still the all-powerful God that is with us in our valleys.

Now consider Aaron and Hur.  They were there to help Moses, who was the intercessor between the people and God.  When we know of people who are going through their valleys, we ought to intercede for them in prayer to our Father.  We need to be there to give them assistance.  So many people are praying for and encouraging my Dad.  People have brought food and visited.  Phone calls have been received.  All of that is so appreciated and is something we all can do for anyone who is going through hard times.

One day as I was visiting my Dad, he asked Mom to hand him his Bible that was close by.  He wanted to show me what he had come across as he had been reading.  He told us to open it to 1 Peter 5.  Verses 8 and 9 are familiar verses, speaking about the fact that the devil is seeking out those whom he can devour.  But we are to resist him and stay strong.  It says “knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.”  Then verse 10 is the verse that spoke to my Dad.

“But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.”  1 Peter 5:10

You may be in the valley now.  But keep looking up to the top of the hill.  God will soon take us out of the valley and back to the mountaintop again.

Look up to the hill top, Dad.

Dad’s Journey – Part 2

Pushing Back (1)


Dad went home from rehab on Friday, April 21, 2017.

Over that weekend and the following week he did well.  He walked around in the house and outside.  His appetite got better.  He was looking better and feeling stronger.  Until Saturday, April 29th.

That Saturday and Sunday, he began to feel worse.  He became weaker and didn’t eat as well.  He started running a fever Sunday.  That evening it went up to over 102 degrees.  We called the nurse who was on call.  She was not familiar with his case but told us to take him to the Emergency Department.  But we decided to call the oncologist first.

While we waited for the doctor to call, we gave him Tylenol and put a cold cloth to his head.  It didn’t take too long before his fever started to slowly come down.  When the doctor called, he really did not want us to take him to the ED.  He had already scheduled Dad to have a PET scan on Tuesday.  Due to certain rules, a PET scan cannot be taken if a patient is admitted into a hospital.  Insurance will only pay if the patient is not currently in the hospital.  The doctor really wanted Dad to have the PET scan done so the extent of the cancer could be determined.

We took him to a scheduled appointment at Levine’s Cancer Center on Monday, May 1st.  At the office he had some fever.  When the doctor came in, he asked Dad to move from the wheel chair to the examination table.  When dad sat down, he started blacking out.  The doctor leaned him back on the table and went to get the nurse.  They decided to give him a bag of fluids.  After that, he began to feel some better and we took him home.  The PET scan was planned for the next day at 12:45.

After leaving the doctor’s office, a rash began on his legs.   He continued to run a fever.

Tuesday morning, Dad was weaker and the rash that had started on his legs was now over his entire body.  He was still running some fever.  Mom called the doctor’s office to make sure they did want him to get the PET scan because of his fever, rash and weakness.  They told her if she didn’t hear back from them to bring him to their office after the PET scan.

We took him to get the PET scan.

PET is Positron Emission Tomography.  The way it works is that the patient is injected with a glucose or sugar solution that has a small amount of radioactive material in it.  The radiotracers goes throughout the entire body.  Cancer cells use more glucose than normal cells.   The cancer cells take in the radiotracers at a higher rate than other cells.  It causes those cells to look brighter on the PET scan than non-cancerous cells.

His appointment was at 12:45.  A lady came to get him in his wheelchair to do the test.  She said she would give him the medicine to perform the test and that he would have to wait an hour to give the drug time to work before actually doing the scan.  A few moments later she returned to tell us she thought he had shingles.  She had seen the rash and was very concerned.  That was the last thing we had wanted to hear.

Dad did not get out of the scan until after 3:00.  We took him straight to the doctor’s office.  He was running a fever of 101 and his blood pressure was very low.  The doctor came in and talked with us.  He showed us the PET scan.  There were a lot of lymph nodes throughout his torso that were shining bright red.  There were also some spots on his spleen.

The doctor then told Dad that he needed to go back to the hospital.  He said the rash wasn’t shingles.  He said he really felt that the fever and the rash was coming from the lymphoma.  He thought that the chemo from his first treatment was out of his body and the lymphoma was raging back.  But to be sure that there was no infection, especially in his pic line, the doctor wanted Dad to be in the hospital on antibiotics.

The doctor also said that they were going to be more aggressive in the treatment against the cancer.  He told Dad he had to fight.  The 2nd treatment that was planned for Thursday would be moved to Wednesday, the next day.  The following treatments would then be every two weeks instead of three.

Two nurses from the doctor’s office rolled Dad in a wheelchair across the parking lot into the emergency department.  We were in the ED from a little after 4:00 until after 8:00.  The next four days were spent in room 371.

On Wednesday, Dad felt weak but did eat a decent breakfast.  They had started him on antibiotics as soon as he was in the ED the previous day.  He continued on them the whole time he was in the hospital.

The rash was still over his whole body.  A dermatologist took a biopsy from his leg of the rash.  He said it could be a reaction to some medicine he had been on.  The oncologist still believed it to be the lymphoma.  He said the lymphoma could aggravate the blood vessels right under the skin resulting in the rash.

Chemo started at 2:30.  The first drug was pushed through a syringe connected to his pic line.  The nurse pushed the syringe in slowly, over a period of 10 minutes.  The second drug was not connected to the tubing properly so it had to be fixed at the lab.  It eventually took the last two drugs until 5:15 to be finished.

Dad snored through the treatment.  He had been given something for nausea before the treatment.  That along with him being so tired allowed him to rest soundly while the drugs were being administered.

Just as when he had his first treatment, Mom and I sat in his room with him.  Maybe because he was sleeping so soundly, the mood was not as somber as before.  We talked quietly to keep from disturbing him but also joked with the nurse about his snoring.

But I also couldn’t stop thinking about the pushing.  The cancer pushing back in Dad’s body as the chemo was getting out of his system.  How the doctor said they needed to push back, be more aggressive in the treatment.  How the nurse was slowly pushing the drug into his veins.

Pushing.  How often do we feel bombarded, or pushed around, by the cares of life?  Sin pushes against our desire to live a Godly life.  Walking Christ-like is not easy – it requires us pushing, being persistent and persevering in our faith.

Sin is like that cancer.  And like the radiotracers used in the PET scan, our natural desires, the part of us that is not saved, is attracted to sin.  In order to stay close to God, we have to be aggressive in our fight against that sin.

And when we commit our ways to the Lord, when we fight the fight of faith, when we push away from the sinfulness of this world, the Lord gives us sweet rest.  Peace. We may even snore a little because of being so relaxed in God’s hands.

We just have to keep pushing, in the strength of our Lord, against the evil things pushing against us.

Dad stayed in the hospital until Saturday.  Since coming home, he has had good days and bad.  Please continue to pray for him as he keeps pushing on.

Keep Pushing, Daddy.


The Children of Israel fought many battles to take possession of the Promised Land.  However, they knew the battle was not won because of their strength, but because of the strength of their God.  We have the same God and He will be as faithful to help us fight our battles as He was to them.

Psalm 44 (NIV)

We have heard it with our ears, O God; our ancestors have told us what you did in their days, in days long ago.
With your hand you drove out the nations and planted our ancestors; you crushed the peoples and made our ancestors flourish.
It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them.

You are my King and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob.

Through you we push back our enemies; through your name we trample our foes.
I put no trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory;

but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame.
In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever.


David was surrounded by his enemies time after time.  When things looked the worse, God, in His Sovereign timing, gave David the victory.  We, too, are in a battle.  But in God’s timing, not ours, we will be victorious.

Psalm 118 (NIV)

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Let Israel say: “His love endures forever.”
Let the house of Aaron say: “His love endures forever.”
Let those who fear the Lord say: “His love endures forever.”

When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place.
The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?
The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.
10 All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the Lord I cut them down.
11 They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the Lord I cut them down.
12 They swarmed around me like bees, but they were consumed as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the Lord I cut them down.
13 I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me.
14 The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.  

God can and will calm our storms.  And when the storm subsides, there’s perfect peace.

The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm.  Luke 8:24 (NIV)



Daddy’s Girl

Copy of “Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” John 1-12 (NIV)

I think a lot of women who have been blessed to grow up with a loving, caring, strong, Godly father, will consider themselves a daddy’s girl.  I’m no different.  I love my Daddy.  It’s not that I love my Mom any less.  I love her dearly.  She’s the encourager and comforter I know that I can count on at any moment.  But it is the dad that most children will turn to for help and guidance in life’s situations outside of the home.  And it’s a daddy that most girls will look to for qualities they hope to have in their husband.

When my Dad got sick, it was hard.  Still is.  To watch the man that was very active and always on the go come to the point where he needed help doing the simplest of things broke my heart.  While the doctors were running tests after tests trying to determine what was wrong with him, he just kept getting weaker and weaker.

Then came the diagnosis of T-cell Lymphoma.  It’s a very rare form of cancer.  During his illness, we have tried to make small jokes from time to time to help lighten the mood.  We told Dad it was just like him to have to be different and rare to get such a disease that stumped the doctors for so long.  Dad suggested to the doctor that since he had never had a patient with that type of cancer before, he should write a book about him so that they both could make some money.

The day that the first chemo treatment was to be administered was very emotional.  They came got Dad from the hospital room and took him downstairs in a wheelchair to have his pic line inserted into his arm.  We were told he would be back to the room in less than an hour.  It was almost 2 hours before he was brought back to the room totally exhausted.

When he had arrived downstairs, there were other patients waiting before him to have various procedures done.  He had to sit in his wheelchair and wait.  He was sitting with his head down and eyes closed.  When he opened his eyes, a ray of light was shining down on a tile on the floor.  In that tile, Dad saw the face of Jesus.  Our Savior was reassuring my Dad that he was not alone.  Christ has been and still is walking closely by my Daddy’s side.

It was 3:00 on April 13, 2017, when the chemo started.

We were all silent.  One thought after another began racing through my mind as the drugs began racing through my Dad’s body.  The negativity of the situation competed against the trusting in the positive outcome.

Mom sat in the chair beside his bed.  I watched Dad lying there as the poison that is needed to heal his body began to be pumped into his veins.  He was looking at the work the nurse was doing, hanging the various drugs on the IV pole.  I looked at Mom as she turned her face away from Dad.  Silent tears began flowing down her face as the man she loves began his battle against the disease in his body.  I wonder if God shed tears when He looked away from His Son who hung dying on the cross, filled with the sin disease of the world.

The brown bags with “Biohazard” clearly marked, reinforced the fact that this is not the nutritious fluids that had hydrated his weak body.  Then I see the clear tube slowly fill with the red drug.  I think about the red blood that flowed from the tortured body of Christ.  I pray the drugs going into Dad’s veins will bring life back to his body, cleansing him of all disease just as Christ’s blood gives life to our souls and cleanses us from sin.

The nurse wears protective gear as she administers the drugs.  Three drugs in all.  Three nails.

Goggles cover her eyes, gloves cover her hands and a plastic gown covers her body.  When facing a battle, we prepare ourselves.  We protect our eyes, staying focused on our Lord.  Looking to Him, we gain our strength.  We use our hands to fight.  As Moses lifted his hands during battle and the Children of Israel won their fight, when we lift hands to praise the Father, that praise turns our battles to victories.  We protect our heart with the Breastplate of Righteousness, knowing that our bodies are the tabernacle of the Holy Spirit.

Then the treatment was over.  It is finished.  Christ died once for all.

Dad still has five more treatments to go.  We’re all trusting God for complete restoration of his health.  The doctor has even stated that he could feel better than before.  The unknown disease had been bringing him down for a while, and when it is gone, he will feel like a new man.  In Christ we are a new creation.

I’m a Daddy’s girl.  I’m my Abba, Father’s girl.

Dad’s Journey

Dad in Rehab

March 25, 2017, began a journey for my Dad, Max Walker, which will take him through many months to come.

Dad’s health had been going down for several months.  Normally a very active 75 year old, he began to have to rest frequently between his activities.  One day he started feeling pressure in his chest, was sweating profusely and was weak.  Finally, my Mom and my Uncle Harold told Dad that he was going to the hospital either in their car, or by ambulance.  Dad relented and was driven by car to the local ER.

After several hours in the ER, the results of tests were given.  His blood work looked normal and the EKG showed he was not having a heart attack at the moment, but that he had experienced a heart attack at some point in the past.  He was released from the ER, doing no better, and was told to follow up with a cardiologist.

Although nothing was done for him, this trip to the hospital began a series of events that were hard and discouraging to go through.  Yet through it all, God’s hand and control over everything was exhibited.

On Monday morning, Mom called to get an appointment with the cardiologist.  It’s very hard to get an appointment with that doctor in a timely manner.  She was told the earliest Dad could be seen by the doctor would be weeks later in April.  Hanging up discouraged, Mom walked away from the phone only to have it ring.  The doctor’s office was on the phone saying they had a cancellation.  Dad could be seen on that Friday, March 31st,.

When we took Dad to that appointment, he was so weak we asked to have a place for him to lay down instead of waiting in the waiting room.  He was still experiencing all the symptoms that he had experienced when he had gone to the ER.  They immediately took him to a room and hooked him up to run another EKG.

When the doctor came in to talk to Dad, he was told again that the EKG showed he was not having a heart attack.  The doctor listened to his chest and abdomen.  Although I could not see the doctor’s face, both Mom and Dad could.  They noticed that when the doctor listened to his abdomen, his facial expression suggested he heard an abnormal sound.

The doctor then said he thought that Dad should go back to the hospital to have further tests run.  He tried to get Dad directly admitted to the hospital in order to bypass the ER, but the hospital would not allow that.  So back to the ER we went.

I don’t know how it is at other hospitals, but at our local hospital, going to the ER meant hours of waiting.  The thought of going back through the process they had gone through the previous Saturday was not pleasant.  However, since the doctor had called ahead, they put Dad in an examination room and tests began immediately.  We were later told that if he had been directly admitted, the tests the doctor ordered would have become less of priority since any orders from the ER took precedence over the orders of patients in the rooms.

Blood work, another EKG, x-rays, ultrasounds of his organs, were all done.  Nothing was standing out in any of the tests, but he was admitted so that additional tests could be run.  Room 307 became his home for the next nine days.

On Saturday, an echocardiogram and a CT scan of his abdomen were done.  We learned that the sound the doctor had heard when he listened to Dad’s abdomen could possibly have been an aneurysm or blockage.  The tests on his heart were good and no sign of a blockage or aneurysm was found.  Although the scan did show that some lymph nodes in his abdomen and around his kidneys were swollen.

The next day, on Sunday, they did a CT scan of his chest to check for blood clots in his lung.  No clots were found, but additional swollen lymph nodes were seen.

An ocologist was consulted.  He wanted to do a needle biopsy of a lymph node in Dad’s neck.  They did the biopsy on Monday.  Results of the needle biopsy were not received until Wednesday.  The results of the tests just showed some atypical cells but nothing conclusive.  He was scheduled to have a lymph node removed on Thursday.

Two different surgeons came in Wednesday to talk to Dad.  The general surgeon said he could remove a lymph node from under Dad’s arm but because of his full schedule, it would be late on Thursday afternoon before he could do it.  He said he had a partner who possibly could do it a little earlier.  Then an ear, nose, throat specialist came in to say he could take a lymph node from Dad’s neck around noon on Thursday.  Dad chose to have that specialist to do the surgery.

On Thursday morning, the general surgeon’s partner came in at 9:00.  He had a cancellation in his schedule and could perform the surgery at 11:00.  The decision was made to have that surgery.  We later learned that the ear, nose, throat specialist had a surgery that took longer than expected and it would have been later in the afternoon before he could have performed Dad’s surgery.  It was also told that the lymph node in his neck would have been a riskier surgery due to the size and location near his jugular vein.  By having the earlier surgery, testing on the tissue began on that day.  The oncologist told us Friday evening that the initial results showed no signs of cancer so far, but further testing was ongoing.

All of that time, Dad had grown weaker and weaker.  Nothing could be given to him since they did not know what was wrong.  If they had given him steroids or anything else, the root problem could have been masked in any tests that were run.

However, while the week had progressed, his blood pressure medication was adjusted time after time.  Dad had been on two different blood pressure medications for years but his BP had never been stable.  His doctor had even told him to leave it off and if his BP went up, then take a pill.  In the hospital, the hospitalist fussed at dad for refusing to take the prescribed medication.  Dad had been refusing to take the medication because he knew regular use of it caused his BP to fall too low.  The doctor agreed to reduce the amount if Dad would take the medicine.  The following days proved Dad right.  The dosage was increasingly lowered until he left the hospital with one pill instead of two and the dosage a quarter of the amount originally prescribed.  The new amount was prescribed to be used after he left the hospital and has worked well.

Dad was released to go home on Saturday, April 8th, with a follow-up appointment scheduled with the oncologist on Tuesday.  He was very weak.  Mom had been home sick most of the week while Dad was in the hospital.  Having Dad home was good, but both were weak and needed help.   I had been able to spend the week with Dad at the hospital and was with Mom and Dad at home on Monday and Tuesday.

On Monday night, the oncologist called to say the results looked like Dad had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  The diagnosis had changed from thinking there was no cancer on Friday to now being told there was.

On Tuesday, Uncle Harold, Mom and I, took Dad to the Levine Cancer Institute.  He had been throwing up and unable to eat.  Uncle Harold helped us get Dad in the car and in a wheelchair as soon as we arrived at the cancer center.  Again, as soon as we arrived at the doctor’s office, he was taken to a room and laid down.  He was running a high temperature and the nurses immediately hooked him up to an IV, giving him fluids and medicine for nausea.  Blood was also drawn.

When the doctor came in, he told us he had just heard from the pathologist an hour before.  The diagnosis had changed once again and now we learned Dad had T-cell lymphoma.  We were told this was a very rare cancer which was why the diagnosis had been so hard to reach.  The doctor said he had never had a case of that particular type of cancer before.  He seemed to think the fever and deteriorating health was due to the lymphoma and immediately wanted Dad to be admitted once again to the hospital.  Because of the rarity of the cancer, the doctor said many times patients did not know they had the disease and would die because of an infection rather than from the cancer.

So back to the ER.  This time, the Levine Cancer Institute was located across the parking lot to the hospital so Dad was taken by a wheelchair and rolled straight into the ER.  Had he not been so sick, being wheeled across the parking lot in a wheelchair could have been a fun story to tell.  Within a short time he was taken directly to an examination room.  Again, since blood work had been taken at the doctor’s office and because the doctor had ordered ahead the tests to be done, everything was carried out more quickly than would have normally been done.

They began giving him meds to bring down his fever.  Fluids and nausea medications were administered.  A broad spectrum antibiotic was given by IV.  The doctor had ordered an MRI to be done of Dad’s brain to rule out a stroke because of how lethargic he had been at the doctor’s office.  Another x-ray of his chest was taken.  A lot was done in a short amount of time.

It was discovered Dad had a urinary tract infection and the flu.   His stay in Room 325 would last for 8 days.

Wednesday was a day of continual tests to determine the strength of his heart and it’s ability to withstand chemotherapy.  They started him on steroids to help build him up along with the nausea medication, Tamiflu and an antibiotic.  Bone marrow was taken from his hip.  On Thursday, April  13th, a pic line was put in and chemo began.  Because of his ongoing weakness and nausea, he remained in the hospital.  The days were very emotional.  A combination of the medication and the reality of his circumstances took a toll on the normally strong man.

On Tuesday, April 18th, he was transported to a rehabilitation facility.  On Wednesday, it was like night and day.  He was up and moving around.   Although still lacking endurance, he began to quickly gain strength.  Food began to taste better, having real clothes on instead of the “petticoat” of a gown, the ability to care for himself, all contributed to his remaining in rehab only until Friday, the 21st.

Dad has a long road ahead of him.  Trips to the doctor’s offices to get medications and shots to build his white blood counts will occur daily.  Home health care to check his status and to clean the pic line, therapists to come in to keep him growing stronger, will take place.  Five more chemo treatments, three weeks apart, are scheduled.  He will need to take a lot of precautions to avoid getting sick.  Visits will be restricted and places he can go to are limited.  Even short walks outside will require him to wear a mask because of the pollen in the air.

It’s been hard for him to go through all he’s experienced; it’s hard for his loved ones to watch.  But God has had His hand in every event.

  • Having the sensation of pressure in his chest along with the sweating and weakness, led to his first visit to the ER and the recommendation of him seeing a cardiologist. The pressure in his chest ceased after being hospitalized.
  • The cancellation of an appointment at the cardiologist office allowed dad to be seen quicker.
  • Being so weak, although it was not a good thing, led the nurses to put him immediately into an examination room, where tests were started instead of him waiting in a waiting room that would have delayed him getting help.
  • Although there was no sign of him having a heart attack at the moment, the cardiologist hearing an abnormal sound in this abdomen led to him requesting further testing.
  • Having to go through the ER instead of receiving the direct admittance the doctor requested, led to the ordered tests being done with top priority over patients in a room
  • Because the doctor had ordered a CT scan of his abdomen looking for a blockage or aneurysm, the scan revealed the extent of swollen lymph nodes in his torso.
  • Another CT scan ordered to look for blood clots in his lung led to the further discovery of swollen glands in this chest and neck.
  • Since he was a patient in the hospital, the oncologist consulted saw him quickly without having to wait at home for an appointment.
  • The needle biopsy not showing conclusive results led to the extended stay in the hospital where his blood pressure issue was addressed and hopefully corrected with the proper medicine and dosage set.
  • The surgeon who just happened to have a cancellation in his schedule allowed the removal and testing of the lymph node to begin earlier.
  • Although getting the flu was not a good thing (which he either contracted from his previous stay in the hospital or from going home on Saturday) led to the fever and weakness that caused the oncologist to send him immediately back to the hospital when he went to the Tuesday appointment.
  • Another visit to the ER allowed them to immediately begin fluids and an antibiotic along with other tests performed quickly
  • Another stay in the hospital allowed the pic line and the first treatment of the chemo to occur quickly.

I’m not saying that it is a good thing that Dad has been so sick.  But God is working in the details.

Before he was sick, he had joked with Mom about getting his hair buzz cut.  Mom was not excited about that.  But with him being so sick, his hair was cut very short while he was in rehab so that he could wash his head easily since he cannot get in a shower due to the pic line.

Dad has never liked coffee.  Mom would brew coffee while he was out of the house so he would not be bothered by the aroma and then she would just warm up a cup at a time as she wanted it.  When Mom was sick and unable to come to the hospital, coffee did not set well with her.  But while he was in the hospital and feeling so nauseous, coffee was one of only a couple things Dad could stomach.  Dad told me that if Mom were there, she would know he was really sick since he was drinking coffee.

Thinking about those small details lightened the seriousness of the circumstances.

During the first stay in the hospital, Mom was sick; my brother was sick; both my aunt and uncle were sick.  I have a job that allows me to build up time that I can take off and my supervisors are wonderful to work with.  All of those things allowed me to spend time alone with Dad.  Most of the time he did not feel like having a lot of conversations, but just being with him meant so much to me.

And I saw something else.  Though Mom and Dad were apart, I saw a picture of their great love for each other.  The doctor my Mom went to had told her to stay away from Dad because of the risk of giving him what she had.  Thinking of his well-being over her own is the only thing that would have kept her away from him.  She eagerly awaited my phone calls to get updates on him.

And my Dad.  A nurse came in at one point to check on him.  In his weak voice, he told the nurse that his wife was at home sick.  Then with tears in his eyes, he said, “I just want my wife to be ok.”  He was worried about Mom and Mom was worried about him.

We often have no choice in the journey we find ourselves on.  There’s the age old question of, “why do bad things happen to good people?”  If ever that question applied to any situation, it applies to my Daddy.  But just as Dad had always been the best example of how to live a Christian life, he also is being a great example of humility dealing with this unplanned journey.

The first full day of rehab, when he was feeling so much better, I shared another moment alone with him.  His pastor, Toney, had visited Dad in the hospital and told him about the Easter Sunday sermon he was preparing.  In the course of his studies, Toney came across something he had not really noticed before and he asked Dad if he could explain it.  So sitting beside Dad on the edge of his borrowed bed, I got to look in his Bible with him and discuss the scripture.  Another moment I shall never forget.

We have people all over praying for Dad.  And I ask for the prayers of everyone reading this.  We are trusting that God is going to bring this journey’s end to a full restoration of Dad’s health.  And all along its way, we know we will continue to see God’s hand in every detail.


Crying Out In Brokenness

Sand dunes

Have you ever been brokenhearted?  It’s not something we like to feel.  It’s not something we like taking about.  But unfortunately, we do experience brokenness in this fallen world.

I love reading the Psalms of David.  So many of them are filled with nothing but praise and worship of God, for who He is and for what He has done.  But there are many of the Psalms where David is crying out, brokenhearted before his Lord.  He cried out when his enemies were pursuing him. He cried out when he was betrayed by his son.  He cried out because of sin he committed.  He cried out to God when he felt all alone.

There were times when David felt God was far away and didn’t hear his pleas.  He cried out in Psalm 13:1-2 (NIV):

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?”

But he was saying by Psalm 13:5-6 (NIV),

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.”

David cried out in Psalm 6:6,

“I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.”

But by verses 8-9, David said,

“Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.”

There are also times when we can’t even put our pain into words to cry out to God.  However, we are assured that the Holy Spirit that lives in us will pray for us.

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Romans 8:26

I once experienced that verse.  My heart was hurting so bad that the only words I could say were, “Oh, God!  Oh, God!”  But those words, coming from my broken heart reached the ears of my Father.  I felt God’s Spirit wrapping His arms around me, picking me up, and just holding me.

David was faithful to praise God even in the midst of his pain.  That’s not an easy thing to do.  The Apostle Paul knew pain.  Imprisoned, beaten, ship wrecked – in every situation, Paul said to give thanks.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Give thanks?  What is there to be thankful for when the pain is so unbearable that it’s hard to take the next breath?

Giving praise and thanks to God doesn’t always mean that He takes us out of the situation causing the pain.  We still may have to endure the circumstances we are going through.  But praising God even in the midst of that pain somehow eases the burden.  In some unexplainable way, we find the strength to keep going, to keep breathing.  We keep trusting that God’s plan is being fulfilled.  We have faith that we will get through whatever we are enduring.

Are you experiencing pain right now?  No matter the reason, whether it is attacks from our enemies, betrayal of someone we trusted, sin we have committed, or depression pulling us down – we can cry out to God.  He knows our pain.  He knows every aspect of our circumstances.  He’s just waiting for us to call on Him.  Like David and his Psalms, we will have songs of praise in our heart mixed with the songs of pain.  But the songs of pain can end in rejoicing as we cry out to our Lord.






Lean In A Little Closer

If you stopped by because you read my devotion today over at Encouragement Cafe, WELCOME!   So glad you are here!

God's Whispers Shouts Of His Love.Joan Walker Hahn

“And after the fire came a gentle whisper.”    1 Kings 19:12b (NIV)

Have you ever been on a spiritual high?  A place where you were seeing and feeling God really move?  But then, there’s a sudden crash.  The wonderment of God’s presence suddenly turns to a feeling of overwhelming fear and oppression.

Elijah experienced such a situation.  God had been using him in mighty ways.  Following the direction of God, Elijah confronted King Ahab and the people who were following the Baals.  The false prophets and all the people assembled to watch the showdown between the false god and the one true God.  The prophets of Baal built an altar and cried out to their god to answer from heaven with fire to consume their sacrifice.  All day long they cried out, but their god did not answer.  Then Elijah built an altar before God and prayed.  Fire from heaven consumed the sacrifice and altar.  All the people cried out, “The Lord – he is God!  The Lord – he is God!”  1 Kings 18:39 (NIV).

However, after that awesome display of God’s power, Elijah fled.  He went to the wilderness and cried out for God to let him die.  But God didn’t let Elijah stay in that state.  The angel of the Lord brought nourishment to Elijah, twice.  Then Elijah was told to go up to the mountain to see the Lord.

Once Elijah got to the mountain, the Lord spoke to him, telling him where to stand to see the Lord pass by.  Then there was a powerful wind, but the Lord was not in the wind.  There was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  There was a raging fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.  But then … then came a gentle whisper, and the Lord spoke to Elijah.

Have you ever noticed that when someone is speaking quietly, we lean in a little closer, concentrate a little more deeply and hang on their every word?  I think that is why God whispers.  He wants us to lean in a little closer, concentrate on Him a little more deeply and hang onto His every word.  When we do that He can then reveal to us how He’s been there with us all along.

The Lord listened to Elijah tell Him what was bothering him.  But then He told Elijah to go back the way he came.  God gave him another assignment and the strength to carry out that assignment just as He had equipped him in the past.

Do you get weary doing the Lord’s work?  Are you weary because you are not doing what He’s asked you to do?  Either way, what do we do when we feel oppressed or tired or useless?  We listen.

Am I saying that I always hear Him speak?  No.  Sometimes all I hear is the wind blowing, the fires roaring and feel my world shaking.  But even then, God is there.  During those times when we can’t hear His whispers, maybe He is waiting for us to call out to Him.  Then when the storm is over and He sees we have leaned in a little closer, are listening a little more intently, He can speak.

So when you are going through things and find yourself tired, physically, mentally and spiritually, go to the Lord’s mountain.  Allow Him to nourish and feed your soul.  Tell Him how you are feeling.  Allow time for the noise to cease as you just wait before Him.  And then lean in a little more closely and listen for His whispers.

Heavenly Father, thank you, Lord, for Your love.  Thank you that even during the storms, even when I can’t hear or feel You, I know You are there.  Thank You for patiently caring for me when I feel alone.  And in those precious moments when I do hear Your gentle whispers, I praise You, Lord, for speaking.  May I always keep an attentive ear so that I may always hear what You want to say.  I love You, Father.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.




Leaving A Trail

Leaving a Trail

I have a thirty minute drive to work and I often find myself enjoying the morning sky.  The changing colors in the sky as the sun rises always amazes me at the beauty of God’s creation.  My husband can assure anyone that I really am not a morning person but when I get out the door and see how God is telling me good morning, my attitude changes.

I was driving to work one morning when the air was crisp and I saw several contrails crisscrossing the sky.  Contrails, short for “condensation trail,” are the white streaks planes leave behind when the hot exhaust from the plane escapes into the cold air.

Seeing the contrails allowed me to know that the planes were headed in all different directions.  I only saw the evidence of a few of the thousands of flights that take place each day.  People are traveling in opposing directions all the time.  I then began to think of how it is the same spiritually.

People are headed in all different directions spiritually just as they are physically.  So many various teachings and religious ideas are rampant in our world.  People are told that there are many ways to heaven.  People are told that God loves everyone and that everyone is going to heaven when they die.  People are told they are their own little god and they can live life however they want.  People are told God will accept them if their good deeds outweigh the bad.  People are told there is no God and that this life we live is all there is.  I could go on and on about the different things people believe.

But, my friend, there is only one truth and one God.  There are not many ways to heaven.  The airplanes that are going in different directions do not and cannot all land in the same place.  A plane headed east does not land in California.  A plane headed north does not land in Florida.  A soul headed away from Christ does not end up in heaven.

In this day of divisiveness, it’s not always easy to speak with people about spiritual things.  Everyone believes their thoughts and opinions are superior to others.  I admit that in my stubbornness I also have at times thought that if everyone would just see things the way I see them then everything would be better.

God’s Word reveals to us how much He loves us.  But God’s Word is also divisive.  So many people focus and preach about the love of God, (and He is a loving God), and they fail to teach about the judgement of God.  He will one day divide those who have trusted and accepted Christ as Savior from those who have rejected Christ.  Those who have accepted Christ are headed to an eternity in heaven with God.  Those who have rejected Christ are headed to hell.

Which direction are we heading in?  Have we heeded that truth for ourselves?  Are we helping people to know that truth?

Or maybe another way to put it, which airplane are you riding on and are you leaving a trail that will point the way to Christ for others who are watching your life?

Beloved, do not believe every spirit [speaking through a self-proclaimed prophet]; instead test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets and teachers have gone out into the world. By this you know and recognize the Spirit of God: every spirit that acknowledges and confesses [the fact] that Jesus Christ has [actually] come in the flesh [as a man] is from God [God is its source];and every spirit that does not confess Jesus [acknowledging that He has come in the flesh, but would deny any of the Son’s true nature] is not of God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming, and is now already in the world. Little children (believers, dear ones), you are of God and you belong to Him and have [already] overcome them [the agents of the antichrist]; because He who is in you is greater than he (Satan) who is in the world [of sinful mankind]. They [who teach twisted doctrine] are of the world and belong to it; therefore they speak from the [viewpoint of the] world [with its immoral freedom and baseless theories—demanding compliance with their opinions and ridiculing the values of the upright], and the [gullible one of the] world listens closely and pays attention to them. We [who teach God’s word] are from God [energized by the Holy Spirit], and whoever knows God [through personal experience] listens to us [and has a deeper understanding of Him]. Whoever is not of God does not listen to us. By this we know [without any doubt] the spirit of truth [motivated by God] and the spirit of error [motivated by Satan].  Beloved, let us [unselfishly] love and seek the best for one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves [others] is born of God and knows God [through personal experience]. The one who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love. [He is the originator of love, and it is an enduring attribute of His nature.] By this the love of God was displayed in us, in that God has sent His [One and] only begotten Son [the One who is truly unique, the only One of His kind] into the world so that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation [that is, the atoning sacrifice, and the satisfying offering] for our sins [fulfilling God’s requirement for justice against sin and placating His wrath]. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us [in this incredible way], we also ought to love one another.             1 John 4:1-11 Amplified Bible (AMP)

“But What About Me?”

Well Done

If you stopped by because you read my devotion today (1/25/17) over at Encouragement Cafe, WELCOME!   So glad you are here!

I’ve always been a quiet person.  I’d rather stay in the background than to be the center of attention.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t like the occasional, “Atta girl,” or “Good job!”

I think maybe everyone on some level likes being recognized for their talent, abilities and strengths.  Being praised for something can give us a sense of worthiness, it can make us feel needed, or it lets us know people notice our accomplishments.

But when no one notices our hard work, or even pauses to thank us for what we do, it may sometimes be hard not to become disappointed or feel unappreciated.  Especially if we see someone else receiving attention for their efforts.

The prodigal son’s brother felt that way.  When the wayward son came home, the father threw a party.  The older son became angry.  When his father found him, the obedient son listed the things he had done right, as though to say, “But what about me?”  The father responded, “’My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.’”  Luke 15:31 NIV

A Mary Christmas

If you stopped by because you read my devotion today (December 28, 2016) over at Encouragement Cafe, WELCOME!   So glad you are here!


Sitting At His Feet

And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”   Luke 10:41-42 (NKJV)

Sometimes I wish that everyone would just decide not to give and receive gifts at Christmas.  Does that make me a Grinch?  I worry so much about what to buy for people.  Will they like it?  Is it too little or too much?  Can I afford it?  Or what if someone gives me something and I don’t have anything for them?  Oh dear!

I believe most would agree that we have made Christmas about everything but the birth of Christ.  I do like cooking, but I’m always rushed.  I like decorating, but I run out of time to make it perfect.  I’m more like Martha of the Bible instead of Mary.  I stay busy, rushing from one thing to another, doing what I feel people expect me to do.  When what I really need to do is make it a “Mary Christmas.”