My husband’s Mom has dementia. It has been sad watching her progressively get worse over the last several years. It has come to the point where one son and daughter-in-law started staying with her during the day. Then her two daughters, my husband’s sisters, who are teachers, began taking turns staying when school let out for the summer.
My husband, Ken, goes by every morning before he goes to work to give her the medicine she takes. Then every evening when he gets off work, he goes by and makes sure her PM medicine is ready for her to take. If she is not off with one of the daughters or son and daughter-in-law, he brings his Mom home to our house for the evening.
I often think about the times when Ken and I first got married and we lived beside his parents. Some of my first mistakes as a young wife were shared with laughter (and my tears) with her. Mistakes like burning homemade bread I was trying to learn how to make. Or mistakes she had to help fix when I was learning how to sew clothes under her watchful eye.
I always told people she could work circles around me. She could keep grandchildren occupied, laundry hung on the line, a big garden tended to, delicious meals cooked, home cooked sweets always on the table and sewing projects handled all at the same time. And that is just a short list of all she could do.
Now roles are reversed and others tend to her needs. But she still likes to help.
On this 4th of July holiday, Ken went to his mom’s like usual at 7 AM to give her the morning meds. She wanted to come back home with him. My goal for the day was to sweep the front porch and wash down the vinyl rails and columns. Ken went to work on something else so she came outside to sit on the porch with me while I swept. When Ken needed to run to town to get a part for what he was working on, she decided to ride with him. She’s always ready to jump in the car with him when he runs errands. When they returned I had started washing down the vinyl railings. She returned to the porch with me and picked up the broom and began sweeping. We continued to work together and when she had finished sweeping the already swept porch, she sat down to take a break. When I moved to wiping down another section, she got up to sweep again.
We have found it’s ok to let her think she’s doing something for the first time, even if it’s the second or third time. Like eating supper. One evening when Ken brought her to our house, she had already eaten. Twice. But when I cooked a late supper, she ate like it was for the first time.
Please understand I share this not to laugh at her, but to share her laughter and enjoyment in the small things. She enjoyed helping me. She helps me fold clothes and she dries dishes when we clean up after a meal. It doesn’t matter if the towels are not folded the way I would fold them, or if some task is done multiple times. It matters that the strong woman that helped me in so many ways as a young bride still seems to enjoy helping me now.
It matters that it’s now a ritual for our Sunday morning breakfast before church to consist of a biscuit or a lemon filled doughnut (or even both). It matters that she still can figure out the phrases on Wheel-of-Fortune in the evenings. It matters that her sometimes glazed eyes will brighten when it’s mentioned about getting a milkshake. It matters that she can enjoy putting together a 25 piece child’s puzzle. And even though when we take her home, she doesn’t remember that she had even been to our house, it matters.
I’m learning the importance of remembering and the importance of forgetting. Some things I want to remember and some things I need to remember.
“He remembers His covenant forever, the promise He made, for a thousand generations.” 1 Chronicles 16:15 (NIV)
God made a covenant with His chosen people. But He also made a new covenant with all of those who accept His Son, Jesus, as their Lord and Savior. God will never go back on that covenant and He will never forget.
After Christ was resurrected and the disciples discovered the empty tomb, they suddenly had some understanding. To me, this is a profound short verse.
“Then they remembered his words.” Luke 24:8 (NIV)
When we get overwhelmed by uncertainty in life, may we always remember what God has done for us and remember the truths in His Word.
But there are things I need to forget, as well.
“Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.” Psalm 25:7 (NIV)
I am grateful that my Lord will forgive and forget my sins when I come to Him in repentance. And if Almighty God can forgive and forget, then I need to forgive and forget myself instead of allowing Satan to use it to try and cause me to feel defeated.
We all have problems that at times can feel overwhelming. But some day, we will have the opportunity to forget.
“See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.” Isaiah 65:17 (NIV)
Right before Ken took his Mom home for the day, I thanked her for all she had done to help me. Of course, she didn’t remember helping me with anything. But there is one thing she doesn’t forget. As she was getting ready to walk out, she turned and said, “I love you!”